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101 WAYS TO BUG... |
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101 WAYS TO BUG CHILDREN’S BOOK AUTHOR  Lee Wardlaw
If you’re a clueless adult .
. .
1.)
ask
how many children’s books she writes a day.
2.)
ask
when she’s going to grow up and write real books.
3.)
ask
if she’s written anything you would’ve heard of.
4.)
ask
if she’ll give you an autographed copy of her latest book…
5.)
…for
all 18 of your grandchildren/nieces/nephews/hamsters.
6.)
ask
if she makes enough money to support herself and family.
7.)
ask
why she picked such a terrible illustrator for her picture book.
8.)
ask
if she’ll read the children’s book you wrote and give you a brutally
honest opinion – then get huffy when she does.
9.) ask
if she’ll introduce you to her agent/editor – then get huffy when she doesn’t.
10.)
ask why
her book is so expensive …
11.)
… and
why you can’t find it at Costco.
12.) never
buy her books (or any books, for
that matter) from an independent bookstore.
13.)
complain
that the local independent bookstore doesn’t carry her book, but don’t
bother to
14.)
tell
her you’d write children’s books too – if only you had the time.
15.)
tell
her: “Your book is too good for kids.”
16.)
tell
her: “I hope you’re teaching them
kids today plenty of good morals.”
17.)
ask
her if she wrote _________________ (insert name of terminally
18.)
if
she answers Yes to #17, refer to #’s 4 and 5.
19.)
ask
how much she pays the publishing companies to publish her books.
20.)
ask
if she’s still writing juvenile books – then elbow her in the ribs and say:
‘Juvenile! Ha-ha! Get it?’
21.)
call
the children’s literature genre ‘kiddie lit’.
22.)
describe
her picture book as ‘cute’.
23.)
don’t
take her humorous books seriously.
24.)
ask
when she’s going to write a Newbery medal-winner.
25.)
ask
when her book will be made into a movie.
26.)
tell
her you’ve got a fantastic idea for a book and that if she writes and
sells it, you’ll be happy to share a small percentage
of the profits with her.
If you’re a kid . . .
27.) email
her and say: “I have to write a
book report about your book. Could you tell me what it’s about?”
28.) “I
also need to include an author bio. Could you tell me everything there is to know about you?”
29.) “Oh,
and please write back quick. The report and bio are due tomorrow.”
30.)
write a fan letter
addressed to her as Mr. Lee
Wardlaw.
31.)
write a fan letter
begging her to please, please, please write back – but forget to include your name . . .
32.)
… and your return
address.
33.)
write her a letter
saying: “I hate reading. My teacher is making me write to you.”
34.)
write her a letter
saying: “Wow! I thought you were dead!”
35.)
don’t read any of her
books before she visits your school.
36.)
during her school visit
presentation, yawn. Loudly.
37.)
during her
presentation, fall asleep.
38.)
snore.
39.)
during her
presentation, engage your neighbors in obnoxious whispering…
40.)
or giggling…
41.)
punching…
42.)
passing notes…
43.)
passing gas (and
laughing uproariously about it).
44.)
mispronounce her last
name as Wardlow, Weirdlaw, Warlock, or Warthog.
45.)
call her Lee Anna.
46.)
ask her to autograph a
book written by someone else.
47.)
ask her to
autograph your copy of her book: ‘To
the smartest, funniest, cutest kid in the entire world. I owe every speck of my success to
you. You’re my B.F.F. Hugs and kisses, very gratefully yours,
your groveling servant…’
48.)
ask her to autograph a
scrap of paper ripped from your notebook.
49.)
encourage all your
friends and all their friends to
rush up with scraps of paper to be autographed, too.
50.)
ask her to autograph a
scrap of paper for your best friend’s cousin’s niece on account of she couldn’t
come to school today because she’s sick…
51.)
…and lives three states
away.
52.)
forget about the
autographed paper scraps and allow them to slip from your binder and litter the
school parking lot near her car where she can’t possibly miss seeing them as
she’s leaving for the day.
53.)
ask her to autograph
body parts.
54.)
jiggle the table while
she’s trying to autograph books so that her signature gets wormy.
55.)
give her a book to
autograph, and after she asks your name and writes it in the book, tell her,
“Oh, that book was for my teacher.”
56.)
tell her your name, and
after she finishes autographing your book, say: “I spell my name Leessah, not Lisa.”
57.)
ask her how old she is.
58.)
when she tells you,
stagger backward and clutch your heart.
59.)
or say, “Wow, you’re
older than my grandma!”
60.)
or: “Wow, that’s over
100 in dog years!”
61.)
after she’s explained
for 30 minutes – complete with visual aides, costumes and sound effects – where
she gets the ideas for her books, raise your hand and ask: “Where do you get your ideas?”
62.)
when she asks if anyone
has any questions, raise your hand and tell her about the day your dog ate a
jar of sun-stroked mayonnaise and barfed on the living room rug.
63.)
invite her to your
school to talk to the students about the writing
profession but don’t offer to pay her a professional
fee.
64.)
when she arrives at
your school, greet her by saying: ‘Oh. I forgot you were coming today.’
65.)
or: ‘Who are you and
why are you here?’
66.)
when she arrives at
your school, tell her there’s been a change in the speaking schedule, and that instead of giving 4
presentations, she’ll now be giving 12…
67.)
…back-to-back…
68.)
…with no bathroom
breaks…
69.)
…and no lunch.
70.)
make her eat cafeteria
food…
71.)
and store-bought chocolate-chip cookies.
72.)
at lunch time, offer
her a Dixie cup of lukewarm water and inform her that there’s a fast food joint
down the street where you suppose she can buy something to eat.
73.)
don’t bother to learn
anything about her before she comes to visit your school.
74.)
don’t bother to share
her books with staff and students before her visit.
75.)
don’t have the room
ready for her presentation.
76.)
rush off to a meeting
so that she has to introduce herself.
77.)
introduce her to a
group of 300 wiggly first graders by saying simply: “Heeeeeeere’s the author!”
78.)
…then leave the room.
79.)
before she goes on
stage, laugh and say: ‘We’re on a
rainy day schedule, recess was canceled, and we all ate double-chocolate
cupcakes to celebrate the birth of the janitor’s new baby, so beware: the students are feeling a little
wound-up.’
80.)
See #78.
81.)
if the students do #’s
36-43, don’t intervene.
82.)
sit in the back of the
room and grade papers while she is talking…
83.)
…or gossip with other
educators.
84.)
during her
presentation, make sure the microphone makes intermittent buzzing, crackling or shrieking sounds.
85.)
forget to order her
books for the book sale/autograph session.
86.)
forget to have her
check ready at the end of the day.
87.)
complain about the
content of her books without having read them.
88.)
sit on her manuscript
for 18-24 months, then reject it with a form letter.
89.)
After offering her a
contract and exclaiming that her manuscript is in almost-perfect shape and only
needs a teensy amount of tinkering, send her a six-page, single-spaced revision
letter …
90.)
with a two-week
deadline…
91.)
. . . and make sure it
arrives on her doorstep on December 24th…
92.)
then go on vacation.
93.)
push the pub date of
her book back two years.
94.)
right before her book
is released, move to a different publishing house.
95.)
forward her fan mail
six-twelve months late.
96.)
forward bad reviews
three months early.
97.) allow her book to go out of print after only one year . . . 98.) . . . without telling her so that she’s left with only five copies.
99.)
when negotiating the
contract for her next book, tell her you absolutely, positively, cannot up her
advance, no, sorry, not even one measly dollar…
100.)
then give a six-figure
advance to a B-movie celebrity for a picture book about a skunk that can’t
smell…
101.)
… but teaches them kids
today plenty of good morals.
Ms. Lee Weirdlow is the author of more than two dozen books for young readers, including the novels 101 Ways to Bug Your Parents and 101 Ways to Bug Your Teacher (both Dial/Penguin). Lee claims to have personally experienced every single one of the 101 ways listed above – twice. |
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